The last two months have been rather stressful. I started taking classes again and have gone back to work. I haven't given up on losing weight, it just can't be the major focus right now that it was when I started this blog.
One thing that I'm doing different is being active. Several months ago I realized what a slug I always am. It's just so much easier to stay at home, both physically and emotionally. Now that it's getting cooler, it's easier to do things outside. I initiated a hike with my family a couple weeks ago and intend to do much more. In the past, I've shied away from such things, sending them on their own because I knew I couldn't keep up or go as far as they can, and it's embarrassing. I finally realized, to heck with that! It's better to be with my family and friends and do what I can do, than to sit at home while they're out having a good time! I've done my kids a disservice by separating our family that way. No more of that, I say!
This past week Brian and I went to the Las Vegas Strip and wandered around Ceasar's Palace and New York New York. The Strip is just about my least favorite place in the world, but Brian has been wanting me to see the fountains at Ceasar's Palace, so one night I got home from work and said, "Let's go!" It was a really fun night out with him, and I love the little city streets of New York New York!
Two nights later we went to a movie premier in Vegas that I had signed up for. We saw the movie "Unstoppable," which I loved, by the way! We got there an hour before it was supposed to start and still ended up getting the last two tickets before they started releasing the press tickets for the media that didn't show up. By the time we got into the theater, we had to sit in seats three rows from the front. As we sat there waiting we were watching a lady who was having a fit because they had to sit so close to the screen when there were seats open that were reserved for the press. It was really quite ridiculous to me. The funny thing is that her husband had gotten the tickets, stood in line, and got the seats all before she and their son had even gotten to the theater. I saved their seats while he went out and gave them their tickets. The first thing she did was complain about where they were sitting, and eventually she made the theater personnel let them have some of the press seats. The movie was free! Brian leaned over and whispered, "I'm so grateful for you and that you're not high maintenance." What a nice thing for him to say. The truth is, I used to be that way. I'm grateful for his patience and perseverence with me. Sometimes I wonder how he has put up with some of the foolishness I've put him through. It's what makes me want to be better.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Quote from Another Blogger
I'm not yet ready to talk about myself in the weight/diet context again, but I was just looking for an apple crisp recipe on allrecipes.com and ran across a blog entry I'm going to post a part of here. You can access the blog at http://allrecipes.com/Cook/DoubleWideSkilletSingleWideBudget/Blog.aspx.
The blogger's name is Sarah. She wrote:
"When I gained more weight, I started to isolate. I didn't want to do much with my family or friends because I was not the weight I wanted to be and I was embarassed to have others see what I had become. But, because I was isolating, I would go right back to comfort eating and the cycle would start all over again. I hated myself so all my personal relationships suffered. I figured because I hated myself that it was just pity that others wanted to spend time with me as I really had noone else.
"Isn't that an awful way to live? I am so angry and disgusted with myself because I just couldn't be honest with how I was living my life and just face it, start to heal and move on. This is no different from friends/family that I've seen struggle with addiction. It's not exactly the same, but the cycles are."
I couldn't have said it better myself.
The blogger's name is Sarah. She wrote:
"When I gained more weight, I started to isolate. I didn't want to do much with my family or friends because I was not the weight I wanted to be and I was embarassed to have others see what I had become. But, because I was isolating, I would go right back to comfort eating and the cycle would start all over again. I hated myself so all my personal relationships suffered. I figured because I hated myself that it was just pity that others wanted to spend time with me as I really had noone else.
"Isn't that an awful way to live? I am so angry and disgusted with myself because I just couldn't be honest with how I was living my life and just face it, start to heal and move on. This is no different from friends/family that I've seen struggle with addiction. It's not exactly the same, but the cycles are."
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Five Percent
Okay, I have to say it, I'm sick of writing about myself and my whole weight-loss thing. I knew when I started this that it was an egocentric endeavor, but I honestly thought that I had enough interesting things to say that weren't just about me that I could keep an ethereal audience entertained. Not only egocentric, but egotistical too! Sheesh. What I have come to find out is that I just can't do it! I can't even keep myself interested!
Nonetheless, I feel a need to see this through. It's been two weeks since I had that huge, 12 pound, weight gain. Last week I lost 8.2 pounds, and this week I had an 8.6 pound loss, putting me at a total loss of 19.4 pounds for eight weeks.
So why do I still feel discouraged? Maybe because I see how easily the weight can come back, and losing it is hard work, dangit. I can't ever let my guard down. I've spent years just picking up any old thing I wanted to eat (and look where it got me), and now I have to not only think about it, but I have to research points and document them too. But more than that, I'm scared. What if, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, I can't ever lose more than 50 pounds? I know, I know, what happened to that positive attitude I had at the beginning of my blog? I don't have an answer to that, but I do know that I'll get it again, and until then, I still won't give up.
Nonetheless, I feel a need to see this through. It's been two weeks since I had that huge, 12 pound, weight gain. Last week I lost 8.2 pounds, and this week I had an 8.6 pound loss, putting me at a total loss of 19.4 pounds for eight weeks.
So why do I still feel discouraged? Maybe because I see how easily the weight can come back, and losing it is hard work, dangit. I can't ever let my guard down. I've spent years just picking up any old thing I wanted to eat (and look where it got me), and now I have to not only think about it, but I have to research points and document them too. But more than that, I'm scared. What if, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, I can't ever lose more than 50 pounds? I know, I know, what happened to that positive attitude I had at the beginning of my blog? I don't have an answer to that, but I do know that I'll get it again, and until then, I still won't give up.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Full Disclosure
Last Saturday, weigh-in day, I could tell by the look on the woman's face who was weighing me that it wasn't good news. "I gained, didn't I?" I said. Without looking me in the eye she said something, but it was so quiet I didn't catch it. I asked her to repeat herself, and this time I heard it loud and clear. I had gained 12.6 pounds in a week, almost everything it had taken me five weeks to lose. I think we were both shocked. She recovered her composure faster than I did and must have remembered her job. "What did you do differently this week?" she asked. "Have you been eating a lot of salt?" I mumbled something about knowing what had gone wrong, gathered my things, and sat down for the half of the meeting I hadn't missed. I woke up with a migraine, and wasn't even going to go, but I knew it was important for me to stay committed and go, even if it was just to get weighed.
I made it through the meeting, but as soon as I got to my car the waterfall of tears began. It wasn't just the weight gain, it had been a stressful week and I was suffering from several disappointments that morning. I was simply feeling sorry for myself. I cried for 10-15 minutes, feeling all the injustices of my life.
Finally, I started to think about the things that could have created such a huge gain in one week. As I said, it had been a stressful week, for various reasons. One of which was having family come to visit. I love it when we have family come, but we were only given five days notice, and although I'm a better house keeper now than I have been for several years, it still takes a fair amount of work to feel like I'm ready to have house guests. Even more than the stress, I take a high blood pressure medication that has a diuretic in it, plus I take a second diuretic, but I hadn't had either medicine for about a week and a half. On top of that, I had been guzzling diet soda and even though I had kept within my points, I wasn't following the Good Health Guidelines at all.
I went over all these things in my head, and a few more, and realized that this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm never, ever going to get to a point where I can just eat anything and not worry about how it's going to affect (or is it effect? help me here, Cyn) my weight. So I had to decide, do I continue to feel sorry for myself and eat myself to death, or do I try to do something about it? I wiped my tears and went to the grocery store where I bought fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grain bread, and the fixings for a 2 point bean soup that I love. The old saying is true, when you fall off the horse you need to just dust yourself off and get right back up there.
There are always going to be days when I feel like my efforts are fruitless, but as long as I keep trying, as long as I'm willing to put up a good fight, then at least I won't have to deal with that horrible, powerless, victim feeling.
I have to admit, when I was crying in my car I was thinking about what I was going to write here. I considered saying that I had gained weight, but not admitting how much. The whole point of this blog for me is to do the hard thing and admit publicly my reality. In some ways, I'm really open, but there are those things that I keep close to my heart. It's scary to put them out there, not knowing who will pick them up and how they will be treated, but I'm also understanding, for the first time in my life, that it can be liberating too.
I made it through the meeting, but as soon as I got to my car the waterfall of tears began. It wasn't just the weight gain, it had been a stressful week and I was suffering from several disappointments that morning. I was simply feeling sorry for myself. I cried for 10-15 minutes, feeling all the injustices of my life.
Finally, I started to think about the things that could have created such a huge gain in one week. As I said, it had been a stressful week, for various reasons. One of which was having family come to visit. I love it when we have family come, but we were only given five days notice, and although I'm a better house keeper now than I have been for several years, it still takes a fair amount of work to feel like I'm ready to have house guests. Even more than the stress, I take a high blood pressure medication that has a diuretic in it, plus I take a second diuretic, but I hadn't had either medicine for about a week and a half. On top of that, I had been guzzling diet soda and even though I had kept within my points, I wasn't following the Good Health Guidelines at all.
I went over all these things in my head, and a few more, and realized that this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm never, ever going to get to a point where I can just eat anything and not worry about how it's going to affect (or is it effect? help me here, Cyn) my weight. So I had to decide, do I continue to feel sorry for myself and eat myself to death, or do I try to do something about it? I wiped my tears and went to the grocery store where I bought fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grain bread, and the fixings for a 2 point bean soup that I love. The old saying is true, when you fall off the horse you need to just dust yourself off and get right back up there.
There are always going to be days when I feel like my efforts are fruitless, but as long as I keep trying, as long as I'm willing to put up a good fight, then at least I won't have to deal with that horrible, powerless, victim feeling.
I have to admit, when I was crying in my car I was thinking about what I was going to write here. I considered saying that I had gained weight, but not admitting how much. The whole point of this blog for me is to do the hard thing and admit publicly my reality. In some ways, I'm really open, but there are those things that I keep close to my heart. It's scary to put them out there, not knowing who will pick them up and how they will be treated, but I'm also understanding, for the first time in my life, that it can be liberating too.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Quickie
I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had actually lost .6 of a pound when I weighed in on Saturday. I feel pretty good about that, especially since I was wearing heavier clothes than I normally do. That's a total of 15.2 in five weeks. More importantly, I'm completely back on track with the diet and feeling great about it! Yay me!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Boiling Potatoes
It's "weigh-in" day, but I thought I would write before I go to Weight Watchers this time. I'm still hoping I've continued to lose weight this week, but I won't be surprised to find out I've actually gained. I'm on my period and I've been ravenous all week. I kept within my points every day except Thursday. I made a deliberate choice to eat a bag of cookies. I'm joking, I didn't eat the whole bag, although I really wanted to. However, combined with the glass of milk I drank with them, I went over by 12 points. That's really quite a bit considering I used up all my flex points for the week. I'll explain those some other time.
When I decided to eat those cookies on Thursday I saw myself as a boiling pot of potatoes. Perhaps there's a better analogy, but this is the one that popped into my head and made sense to me. You know how the pototoes get boiling really good and if you don't watch them or turn down the heat they boil over? Once they've hit that point and boiled over, you finally turn down the heat and they cook the rest of the way just fine. That's how Thursday was for me, it was my boiling over point. So I ate the cookies, I allowed myself to indulge, then I turned down the heat and I'm fine again. The problem is that if you let the pot get to the point where it boils over you have a big mess to clean up on the stove. So that's how I see it today. I might not have lost any weight this week, and possibly I've gained, but I'll just clean up the mess and get back to cooking.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh! Yesterday I heard a knock on the door and when I answered it there was a woman standing on our doorstep. She said simply, "I have your dog." She and her husband have had Cassie since the first day she was missing. They have loved her and half-heartedly looked for her owner. They finally saw one of our fliers we had posted and knew that she had people worried about her. I really think they had hoped they could keep her, but as soon as the lady saw the look on my face when she told me they had Cassie, she knew that we would want her back. I'm so grateful to have her back, but even more than that, I'm thankful that my prayers were answered to have her kept safe. People are good.
When I decided to eat those cookies on Thursday I saw myself as a boiling pot of potatoes. Perhaps there's a better analogy, but this is the one that popped into my head and made sense to me. You know how the pototoes get boiling really good and if you don't watch them or turn down the heat they boil over? Once they've hit that point and boiled over, you finally turn down the heat and they cook the rest of the way just fine. That's how Thursday was for me, it was my boiling over point. So I ate the cookies, I allowed myself to indulge, then I turned down the heat and I'm fine again. The problem is that if you let the pot get to the point where it boils over you have a big mess to clean up on the stove. So that's how I see it today. I might not have lost any weight this week, and possibly I've gained, but I'll just clean up the mess and get back to cooking.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh! Yesterday I heard a knock on the door and when I answered it there was a woman standing on our doorstep. She said simply, "I have your dog." She and her husband have had Cassie since the first day she was missing. They have loved her and half-heartedly looked for her owner. They finally saw one of our fliers we had posted and knew that she had people worried about her. I really think they had hoped they could keep her, but as soon as the lady saw the look on my face when she told me they had Cassie, she knew that we would want her back. I'm so grateful to have her back, but even more than that, I'm thankful that my prayers were answered to have her kept safe. People are good.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Baggy Underwear
I can't guarantee that my underwear wasn't loose before, but they are definitely baggy now. I know for sure that my pants are looser on me than they were a month ago.
So, I haven't posted my last two week's weight loss yet. After my third week I had lost seven pounds and last week I lost two, making it a total of 14.6 pounds in four weeks. Comparatively, that's not a lot for me, and I didn't think it would be enough to make a noticeable difference, but I feel it in my pants. Yay.
So, I haven't posted my last two week's weight loss yet. After my third week I had lost seven pounds and last week I lost two, making it a total of 14.6 pounds in four weeks. Comparatively, that's not a lot for me, and I didn't think it would be enough to make a noticeable difference, but I feel it in my pants. Yay.
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